Just a litle push... okay... a shove...
I am a sloth...
Sans fur that is. And the creepy claws.
I can't get motivated. Not on a creative level that is. I've tried to trick myself into "stumbling" onto my craft but I walk away feeling stupid. I've tried to shop my self into wanted to create but I find myself feeling dejected at the checkout; asking myself why I even bother.
How does one sink so low?
I don't usually write TO people who may be reading this blog, but today, well, today I'm desparate. I need help. I need advice. Heck I need prayer. And if anybody has a spare $10,000 laying around collecting dust, I need my Disfunctional Angels flewn out to Ohio to administer a
kick in my butt!
I cried last night. Mourned really. I lost something that I fear I won't get back and it's my own stupid fault for not taking my own advice. There is a phenomenal scrapper who's blog I subscribe to, her name is Mari. (is that not the absolute worst constructed sentence ever?)
Anyway, Mari has so much strength and inner beauty in her work and her writing that it seems that the ugliness of the scrapbooking industry will never be able to bruise her spirit. I love her love of life and her no nonsense way of seeing things. Her layouts are so darned inspiring sometimes that they almost break your heart. If I could get a thimble of that strength I know I'd be alright. I know I have to garner that myself, but our hopes and dreams are what makes living in this blighted world bearable. So I hope and I dream for the strength and courage to figure out who I am and to be only that person.
Shayne has a clear cut solution for my problem. "Lower the bar" says the old one with male patterned balding. He has admitted that he isn't looking forward to my re-entering the online arena. He sees it as pointless because of the ugliness and what it can do to all but the strongest of spirits. He knows that I need the community because I don't have one here, but he doesn't want his wife broken; how could I possibly do the laundry if I'm a blubbering mass huddled in a corner of my scraproom? Yes, I do entertain the thought of doing mean things to him and putting creepy crawlies in his pants. More often than I'm comfortable admitting.
Anyway, I need a spirit boost. I need a freakin' miracle in all truth. I still find myself trying to figure out how to create the "awesome" layout. I still feel the pang of fear when I read about page and dt calls. I still feel somewhat excluded when I go to scrapsites. The one thing that keeps me peeking in is the support that I've been getting, however undeserved.
I just need to focus on one thing at a time. I just don't know what that one thing is. I need to get the need for acceptance out of my head/heart. I just don't know what to replace it with. I would love to truly be the type of person who can go about her scrappy business and not give a fuzzy rats behind about what others thought of my work, but I grew up yearning for acceptance that I never received. Now it's carried into my adult life. Sometimes it really hurts to think about all of my formative years spent alone. No friends in the playground in elementary school. A friend who liked to beat me up in junior high. No social acceptance in High School because my over bearing father didn't see the value in spending time outside of school with 'other peoples children'. Acceptance (to a degree) from the military but very little from my peers because of my rapid ascent up the career ladder. Now, I have friends and I have acceptance amongst them, but not a lot from the big hairy scrap industry monster.
Gees... that sounds like I'm feeling sorry for my sorry self. I'm good at that you know, I've had a lifetime full of practice. I need to start affirming the positive in my life. I'll start that tomorrow... today I'm nice and cozy in my cocoon of self pity.
What was the purpose of this entry?
Sans fur that is. And the creepy claws.
I can't get motivated. Not on a creative level that is. I've tried to trick myself into "stumbling" onto my craft but I walk away feeling stupid. I've tried to shop my self into wanted to create but I find myself feeling dejected at the checkout; asking myself why I even bother.
How does one sink so low?
I don't usually write TO people who may be reading this blog, but today, well, today I'm desparate. I need help. I need advice. Heck I need prayer. And if anybody has a spare $10,000 laying around collecting dust, I need my Disfunctional Angels flewn out to Ohio to administer a
kick in my butt!
I cried last night. Mourned really. I lost something that I fear I won't get back and it's my own stupid fault for not taking my own advice. There is a phenomenal scrapper who's blog I subscribe to, her name is Mari. (is that not the absolute worst constructed sentence ever?)
Anyway, Mari has so much strength and inner beauty in her work and her writing that it seems that the ugliness of the scrapbooking industry will never be able to bruise her spirit. I love her love of life and her no nonsense way of seeing things. Her layouts are so darned inspiring sometimes that they almost break your heart. If I could get a thimble of that strength I know I'd be alright. I know I have to garner that myself, but our hopes and dreams are what makes living in this blighted world bearable. So I hope and I dream for the strength and courage to figure out who I am and to be only that person.
Shayne has a clear cut solution for my problem. "Lower the bar" says the old one with male patterned balding. He has admitted that he isn't looking forward to my re-entering the online arena. He sees it as pointless because of the ugliness and what it can do to all but the strongest of spirits. He knows that I need the community because I don't have one here, but he doesn't want his wife broken; how could I possibly do the laundry if I'm a blubbering mass huddled in a corner of my scraproom? Yes, I do entertain the thought of doing mean things to him and putting creepy crawlies in his pants. More often than I'm comfortable admitting.
Anyway, I need a spirit boost. I need a freakin' miracle in all truth. I still find myself trying to figure out how to create the "awesome" layout. I still feel the pang of fear when I read about page and dt calls. I still feel somewhat excluded when I go to scrapsites. The one thing that keeps me peeking in is the support that I've been getting, however undeserved.
I just need to focus on one thing at a time. I just don't know what that one thing is. I need to get the need for acceptance out of my head/heart. I just don't know what to replace it with. I would love to truly be the type of person who can go about her scrappy business and not give a fuzzy rats behind about what others thought of my work, but I grew up yearning for acceptance that I never received. Now it's carried into my adult life. Sometimes it really hurts to think about all of my formative years spent alone. No friends in the playground in elementary school. A friend who liked to beat me up in junior high. No social acceptance in High School because my over bearing father didn't see the value in spending time outside of school with 'other peoples children'. Acceptance (to a degree) from the military but very little from my peers because of my rapid ascent up the career ladder. Now, I have friends and I have acceptance amongst them, but not a lot from the big hairy scrap industry monster.
Gees... that sounds like I'm feeling sorry for my sorry self. I'm good at that you know, I've had a lifetime full of practice. I need to start affirming the positive in my life. I'll start that tomorrow... today I'm nice and cozy in my cocoon of self pity.
What was the purpose of this entry?
posted by Essentially Jae' at Wednesday, August 02, 2006
5 Comments:
Right milady.....stop that right now. Your work is fabby and I wish I could put onto paper and into my pages half of what you do. Your soul is in your pages, it shows who you are, and more importantly it shows your children who you are - after all we do alot of it for that don't we? For our kids...sorry to say but they creep into every aspect of our lives.
Now get yourself in that room and put a few kits together, just chuck in a bag all matching bits, get a feel for your stash again and the rest will follow.
Big smoochies to you....now I want to see some work.
Consider your butt kicked!
The reason for you post was that you are still in need to fight your demons and I support you in everything 100%!!!
Don't force yourself to do something you are not totally committed to and if you know that it will only open up old wounds - DON't do it {just yet}. I know you will be returning to scrapping and you know that we will all welcome you with open arms. But don't force it.
What you really want is the virginal feeling of scrappig again - to just preserve your memories and not give a flying furcoat of what the industry wants. You are such an inspiration for so many of us and all youneed is just to accept that we can all admire and respect your work even though you are not published.
I love you dearly and I still love you if you give up scrapping all together. You have changed my life just for being you...so please don't try to change. Stay who you are and what you are about.
Honey, go with what Kimmy says. Be you! Do it for you!
When you are truly ready it will happen, and you'll feel great about it.
Oh and if I had that $10000 I'd sent tickets to you all (but I'd probably be hiding in the luggage and I'm not sure you aree ready for that!).
Hugs to you and those ever so cute kids, oh and the man too if I must.
Jaks.
Jae, why did you start to scrap? Was it to be published and get on loads of DTs? Or was it just to preserve those precious memories, show those photos of your gorgeous kids and find peace in your creativity?
Go back to the beginning of it all and take those baby steps to finding the pleasure of crafting again. There's no rush (except for the fact that we are ALL missing you like crazy and dying to see some of your inspriring work). You tick all the right boxes, you just have to learn to see it for yourself.....you're fab and your work is outstanding. No one needs to put themselves in front of the bitchy firing line so don't. Scrap for you and your family and no one else.
I wish I could write like you...I know what I want to say it just doesn't seem to come out right.
BTW when I win the lottery your tickets are on my shopping list.....as long as I can come too:)
We miss you!
Hugs
Sallyxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Dude...I'm so sorry that you are in this place. it's SO unlike you...you are usually the one to kick MY rear end. I think that you need to give yourself the time you need...if you aren't ready then wait a bit. But if you think you are totally go at it with a different philosophy...to preserve your memories. Scraplift if you have to. You are the most amazing journaler..and your children will care about that...not if the layout wasn't a winning entry. So stop putting so much pressure on yourself...you rock...we all know it!! love you dude!
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