What would you do if...

The scrapbook industry were suddenly turned on it's ear?

How would you, as a scrapper be affected if:

1. ALL of the scrapbooking specific magazines were either disbanded over night and no longer circulated or they only relied on their inhouse designers for artwork?
2. The scrapbooking manufacturers decided to limit the number of yearly product releases to say 2 (spring and fall)? ... and they recruited for their design teams instead of hosting those questionable cattle calls.
3. CHA and other trade shows were closed to the general public and only 2 representatives from each INVITED retailer were allowed to attend (AND freebies were included with completed orders and no longer handed out at conventions?) or if the trade shows specifically geared towards scrapbooking were to stop all together.?
4. There were no longer any "celebrities" in scrapbooking?


If all of that happened, how do you think that it would affect you as a scrapper?

I can tell you that it would have affected me more 6 months ago than it would now. Now that I've redefined myself as a scrapper, I don't give the magazines much attention, buy a bunch of stuff because it's "new" or "hot", I certainly don't care what products are being released at trade show nor do I have a desire to attend any CKU anything nor do I care about celebrity status.

6 months ago I would've probably fashioned myself lost. Today I would breath a sigh of relief for the long awaited resolution to much of the industries problems. I think that those things happening would definitely make a significant stride towards fixing the industries current competitive fixation. In my opinion, if there were no sensationalized celebrity status for scrappers to strive for the intended focus of scrapbooking could be reacquired. The biggest promoter of that evil over-competitive spirit is the artwork cattle calls. Get rid of the need for those and need to compare your work to Sally Jo Scrapper, and maybe we can get back to the basics.

Limit the amount of new products that flood the market and the scrappers that probably find the current situation overwhelming will have breathing room to ease into the new and unknown without being scared away by the prospect of not being able to keep up with trends. I think that that alone could help the industry because more people would be receptive to trying something new (especially if it didn't have a status depreciation rate that makes buying a new car off the lot the best financial decision of the decade!). I'm personally tired of finding out that my "new" stuff is old by the time I get it to the check out counter!

From what I've been reading about what goes on at trade shows, I think that the industry could do without an even that nurtures the entitlement attitudes that are running rampant today. If the tradeshows could be remastered to be more about showcasing the product and less about filling the hundreds of outstretched, expecting hands that hit every vendor booth, I think that the manufacturers would be able to get a better grasp on the pulse of the scrapbooking amoeba.
How can they focus on providing quality products that we WANT when they are trying to tweak the bottom line to cover the costs of handing out freebies to Sally Jo, her aunt, her cousin, and her cousin's daughter? That free stuff isn't free, somebody has to pay for it... and you wonder why rubons can get up to $15? After attending 8 trade shows, showering hundreds (if not thousands) of scrappers with freebies, and sponsoring umpteen online design teams (including their own!) it's no wonder some manufacturer's try to find the cheapest way to manufacture their products! Now, I can't say too much about this because I just recently received a preferred customer card from Taco Bell because I eat there so much. So yeah, I get a few free meals because of my loyalty, but I surely didn't go into the restaurant expecting to get anything other than what I paid for.

The whole celebrity scrapper thing is just silly to me. Yes, there are some scrappers that I really like. Their work appeals to me and I have learned a lot from them. Do I want their autographs?
Uh...no! I like my president, yes, I do, but I don't want his autograph! So why would I want Ali Edwards or Cathy Zielski's? Isn't it enough for me to admire their work and talent? Isn't it enough that I can say that they have taught me so much? Do I need to have that little "piece" of them as well? Uh no... the last time I screamed for an autograph was when I was 14 and Rick Springfield was signing them at the local department store before his concert that night. That was all about teen angst. I'm far from being a teenager and I'm really too tired to deal with frivolous angst of any sort. Honestly, in this day and age of creative identity theft, you'd think that people would stop giving their john Hancock to the faceless masses.

For the love of Heidi... let's go there shall we?

I dare anyone to go to one of the uber popular message boards on the net today and post a thread that expresses dissatisfaction with any Heidi Swapp product.

I do reccommend that when you do, you do so with full riot gear on and if you have a taser gun... you might want to make sure that baby is charged up, turned on, and doing the snap, crackle and pop!

I've had the pleasure of contesting the quality of her products (on numerous occassions actually because I don't mind the pile-on). It never fails that some scrapper comes flying out of nowhere and tells me (and anyone who agrees with me or whom I agree with) to get a life and to stop trashing "Heidi"! This little scrappy vixen comes to Heidi's aid with an arsenal of expletives, insults, suggestions (for how I can get said life) and other Heidi groupies just chomping at the bit to publicly declare their undying love for the little blond pixie. The "defenses" arguments run a pretty broad spectrum:

** "Get a life! All you need to do is dab a little more adhesive on the back and the chipboard works like a champ!"
** "At least you didn't pay $12 for the rubons like some of the other companies want you too! Give her a break! She saved you some money!"
** "Why do you have to bash Heidi? Must be jealous of her talent! She is super talented and her products rock... nobody's perfect! Cut her some slack!"
and my all time fav: **Well, my dealings with Advantus rocked and they were super generous and fast... you need to give them a chance, you mustn't be doing something right!

Honestly gals, it's almost enough to make my head spin! Okay... it has spun a few times but I got it under control fairly quickly.

Here is my argument (may it no longer fall on deaf ears):

I love many of Heidi's products. I want to be buried on a bed of Ghost Letters and if you could please manage to somehow seal my coffin with her ribbon tape, I'd be very grateful! There are also quite a few of her products that have failed miserably with me!

Alpha Rubons: Okay... there a tons of us who bought packages of overzealous rubons that either couldn't stay on their sheets long enough to be used or that had the attention span of a gnat on crack and refused to stay with the task of adhering to the layouts to which they were applied.

Adhesive Chipboard: If an item is advertised as an adhesive item, then I expect the things to adhere. I found the quality of the adhesive on the chipboard to be no better than the quality that was used on the first linerun of the Pressed Petal Chip Chatter Alphas.

Jewels: The only thing that I require is that my stickon jewels have adhesive that's a tad bit stronger than the adhesive that is put on my daughter's stick on earrings and that the buggers stay where they are put! I actually used some of my daughter's earrings on a layout and they worked a LOT better than the HS variety!

Some people have problems with other items, some people have problems with less than I do and still some have no problem at all. I can respect that. Why? Because their experiences are not my own and therefore I would sound perfectly stupid to assume that I had any say in how they reported their experience! I think that there are a lot of people who need to consider adopting my common sense mantra. Of course that would mean taking the stars out of their eyes and getting them to get off of their worshiping knees and perhaps consider mopping up that puddle of drool. I wont' hold my breath.

My stance on the whole situation is this. As a consumer, I reserve the right to spend my money where I choose. As a consumer, I reserve the right to hold reasonable expections for the quality of the product that I choose to purchase. As a consumer, I reserve the right to seek resolution with any company that provides me with a defective product and if they so choose to ignore my efforts, I reserve the right to lift my voice and alert the masses lest they too fall prey.

The Heidi Swapp Protection Brigade holds a completely different opinion. According to them, I shouldn't have a problem with having to run my "adhesive" chipboard through my Xyron... because they cost less than the competitors chipboard and because... Heidi is such a sweet heart. According to these women, I should continue to bombard Advantus with request for resolution and never participate in any negative discussions of Heidi's products because she is such a sweet person and so much of her product is great. According to these scrappers, I have no right to complain because her products cost so much less that the "other" companies.

I'm here to say right now that I have nothing against Heidi Swapp as a woman or a scrapper. Hell, I don't even have a problem with her on the human level. What I have a problem with is the poor quality of some of the more popular of her products and the complacent expectation that loyalists will "make it work". This type of thinking and the melodic praises being sung by the masses who not only don't mind applying addtional adhesive to "make it work" but sometimes live for it has allowed Advantus to become quite comfy in their swiss cheese mission statement. Why should they make ammends with the customer? The "loyal" customer is bending over backwards to preserve their good name! The "loyal" customer is "taking care" of anyone who dares to expect them to stand by their products. Heck, if I were them I'd disconnect the email box without a worry and take steps to see if I couldn't cut a few more corners in the quality control area... why not... the "loyalist" will take up the sword in my honor regardless of how bad my product is!

I know quite a few scrappers who have both had problems and have been problem free. I don't begrudge any of them their experiences. All I ask is that they respect mine as well. We are all different. Everybody has a right to choose how they will deal with a particular situation. The great fix-it for my friend Jenn works fine for me. BUT that doesn't negate my expectations from the companies that I give my patronage to. Yeah, I run my chipboard through my Xyron... but you know what... I'm still going to tell Advantus about it! Why? Because a company that is seeking to be a success in this industry needs to have a grasp of quality control and a thumb on the pulse of the community. How can they do that if the consumer doesn't alert them to what is wrong?

It's about agreeing to disagree. It's about respecting other peoples right to free speech. It's about respecting the individuality of each individual scrapper without trying to force you personal perceptions on them or otherwise devaluing their opinions. It would be one small step towards reestablishing the unity that is dying within this community.

Suzy Scrapper Murdered at Craft Tradeshow...news at 11

Las Vegas, NV:
Suzy J. Scrapper of Denver Colorado was brutally and mortally attacked in the Las Vegas Convention Center in the early morning hours of August 16th. It appears that she and her attacker, Janet A. NtPublished of Carson City Nevada, were having a discussion in the ladies room when NtPublished began to agressively demand that Scrapper help her to get a layout published. Witnessess aledge that Ms. Scrapper continued to insist that she could do nothing to help NtPublished who was beginning to behave very violently towards her.

"She had her backed up in a corner with her finger in her face and a Quickutz tool in the other hand!", claims one witness, also a scrapbooker, who requested to remain anonymous. "She began swinging the tool at her! The thing weighs like 3 lbs or something and she just kept hitting her with it and screaming at her about "forgetting her roots" and saying that she thought she was better than everybody else! I wanted to tell her to stop but I was afraid that she would turn on me! All I could think of was that if I died then somebody would make off with all of my stuff that I'd left in the conference room! So I ran to get somebody to help."

The convention center security did manage to disarm NtPublished and detain her, but not before Scrapper had suffered several deadly blows to the head. Police and Paramedics were called to the scene but were unable to revive the 35 year old mother of 2.

NtPublished was arrested by Las Vegas police. When asked why she viciously attacked the young woman, she became very agitated and replied, " I used to talk to that *expletive* everyday when she was on 2Peas! Everyday I'd tell her how great her work was and encourage her to submit her work. So she does and she get all of this recognition and suddenly she doesn't know my name!! All I wanted was to be on a damned design team, that it! No, I can't get a leg in because it wasn't enough for her to be on 6 teams, she had to have 7, then 8 and I was left eating her dust! She deserved what she got!".

It appears that the ladies were part of a mass conglomeration of scrapbookers and crafters who gather serveral times during the year...

************************************************************************************
Okay, reachin' a bit there. Or am I?

Is this the future of scrapbooking?
Will there be some nonsensical tradgedy that will finally turn the industry on it's ear?
Will someone have to get hurt to finally get industry bigwigs to stop and take note of the dangers of turning a time honored tradition into the next Survivor ScrapIsland?
Will there be a point in time when it will be shameful to reveal to people that you used to scrapbook because of the negative stigma that will attatch itself to the hobby?

I don't know. I certainly hope not.

But I can say that with the way that things are going today, that kind of future for this hobby is a very real possibility. So who's going to be our Tanya Harding? Who's going to be our Nancy Kerrigan?

What do we honestly expect? Masked internet marauders are swarming all over the online scrapping arena in a tissy! There is a lot of resentment festering underneath all of those online facades, and it has to surface at some point!

So is all of this ugliness just what we should expect? I really have a hard time understanding how someone can spew that type of venom at someone and attack their families and then turn around and lovingly scrapbook a picture of their children. But that's just me.

Yes, I've been to the Critic blogs... I think that there is a fine line between criticing and criticizing and those blogs aren't on the nicer side. I've seen personalities torn to shreds and i've also watched other people try to steer the conversation back towards a constructive path and get torn to pieces and labeled a "hand slapper" or "know it all". All in the name of free speech.

On the other hand, I've been to the online communities that seem to fuel the ire of these blogs, and they are no better than the blogs. The exclusionary tactics. The self promotion and the mean spiritedness are something that even the blindest of people couldn't miss.

My question is why. Why do we need all of this? Why did the industry choose to take yet another tradition and extort it? Why does the persuit of the all might dollar equate to blatant attempts to separate and segregate scrappers? Why does the success of a scrapper have to be tied to the number of Design Teams positions they occupy? Why does there have to be a gage for success?

To me, the successful scrapper is the one who finds joy in creating beautiful memories for his/her family. To me the successful scrapper is the one who can close her eyes every night with the assurance that she has done what she can to make the world better and not worse. In my opinion, it the entire scrapbooking world adopted my idea of success, the mock news story above will never come to fruition. I won't hold my breath.

I'm working on regaining my status as a successful scrapper. I have my sisters who are successful on many levels and who keep me grounded in my reality. I have accepted that the competition aspect of all of this is nothing but poison to me.

Do I begrudge anyone who looks externally for their success validation? Nope... if it weren't for them, the magazines would be non existant.

Ask yourself this: What makes a successful scrapper to you? Are you trying to be a successful scrapper?

...Yes... I think I DO like it!...

I finally finished the layout that I'd started on Thursday. I didn't get to it this weekend at all thanks to my laundry escapades, so yesterday I put the finishing touches on it.

I know that some may say that it's too plain (I had a hell of a time stitching this baby at work incidentally!) and that it needs more. I actually caught myself trying to imagine what would be pleasing to the masses. I was going to doodle up the waves and grunge it up a bit more, paint the pictures... then I stepped back and asked myself: Do YOU like it as it is?

The answer was Hell yeah! I love it as is! The doodling was a little hard for me at first because I have been so anti doodling, but somewhere along the way I started flowing across the page! Doodling is not nearly as scary as I thought it was!

This was definitely a liberating experience. It feels so good to let your heart decide when the layout is finished!

Laundry Sucks!

September was Shayne's month to do laundry.

Those words should mean no more to you than if I said the sky is blue. Why? Because they mean even less than that to his highness, the King of absentminded procrastination!

I have endured a large portion of my family room being given over to dirty laundry staging. This is maily because our cat likes to curl up in any baskets that we store in the laundry room and she has almost been washed twice! So I allow the staging of the baskets in an area of the familyroom since it's right off of the laundry room.
Well, all month those baskets have overflowed and we've had a few issues with people running out of clothes. I thought that we were just going through laundry too fast and that poor Shayne couldn't keep up! I lectured Tristan and make a conscious effort to limit the amount of dirty laundry I generated. I figured this would help him get his head above water before the end of the month...

Well, it turns out that Shayne wasn't even at the damned pool, let alone struggling to keep from drowning! I came in on Friday night and started sorting the laundry (stepping on piles of dirty laundry has never been a favorite of mine and I don't reccommend it to anyone wishing to keep their ankles intact). I wound up with 9 loads of laundry, not including the towels/blankets! I uncovered a pair of jeans that I'd worn in Chicago that he hadn't "gotten around" to yet! That was THE last straw! That night, I washed, dried and folded 3 of the loads.

It was amazingly liberating. Who would've thought that being able to see the floor could bring about a pseudo-orgasmic state? I got up on Saturday and forewent washing the truck for doing laundry again! I'm almost certain that if it weren't for Tristan's football game, I would've finished all of the laundry that day, but as it stands, I had to go support my copy and in doing so lost me 6 hours. So I managed to do 4 loads on Saturday. Then Sunday came and I was up at the buttcrack of dawn again...doing what? Laundry! When I finally went to bed I had the last load in the washer patiently waiting dryer attention.

All the whole weekend, Shayne pretty much layed around because he claims his back was sore again! I got NO Scrapbooking done... what so ever. I did manage to run by the library to check my emails though (I had to return some books anyway).

I am so pissed that I gave away my entire weekend for the sake of well stocked closets and a clean family room! I did get Shayne to take care of the 2 baskets that he did manage to get done in the 22 days that the chore was his. The were the 2 baskets of random clothes that he'd washed based on what a particular family member needed at the time, so the baskets had been rummaged through and pilfered of any valuable articles. He did manage to always wash Tristans football uniforms the day of practice or the game... however, they hardly ever had time to dry properly, so Tristan was playing damp a lot (why the boy didn't bring it to my attention until after I'd hung up all of his practice and game jerseys (fresh washed) and returned his freshly laundered pads to him is beyond me!).

Anyway... I'm a bit miffed and feeling a lot cheated!

All of my laundry is just about done though, so I guess things could be worse.

I plan to scrap my head off this week to make up for all of the work I did this weekend!

Ahh... a HOF-er I am not...

So... CK has officially launched it's search for next years HOF winners. In true CK fashion they have set their entry criteria (i'm sure with a snicker right from the desk of LB herself). Once again, a list of requirements that would make your teeth recede have been circulated around the net but this time the air seems to be a bit different.

Are they looking for the next marketable scrapper to pimp to the general public?

Is it worth it?

Why do they want to see our craft spaces?

Should I spend the time and energy to enter?


Well, I can tell you from my perspective, this is just another contest geared towards increasing the drama that exists in our little scrap universe. The very fact that they are looking for the "best of the best" tells me that I'm not too far off the mark with my assumption. Hall of Fame, hmm... just makes you wonder...


Are they looking for the next marketable scrapper to pimp to the general public?
Do people in hell want ice water? Can I knock things off of tables if I swing my hips around a corner too fast? Of course they are! The are looking for someone to come along and set new trends that hopefully we will fall hook line and sinker for! That way we attach ourselves to CK's arse with the same fervor that barnacles attach themselves to the bottoms of wayward ships.
It's already been stated (by HOF-er's themselves) that it's honor and prestige for a quick minute and then you are a has been. That is unless you make it in good with the powers that be.
Whatever happen to Faye Morrow Bell? I saw her book on Ebay for $5 a while ago. Face it, some HOF winners are strapped on to LB's coat tails and taken for the ride of their lives while others are allowed to fade into the background with the occassional mention here and there and frequent publication when CK has projects that require their services. That in and of itself makes me wonder if the HOF-ers who's names become household names aren't the ones that were the shoe ins before they even entered. Maybe all of those ghost HOF-ers were CK's way of covering their tracks..."see we do select some unknowns".

I don't want to be marketed. I don't want to feel that I have to scrap to a certain standard. I don't want to "preserve" the image of CK by embarking on my journey as a product they created. I want to scrap. Plain and simple. If I'm not good enough for them, well, they don't really matter now do they?

Is it worth it?
A wise man (or woman) once said that you get out of life what you put into it. So I guess that if you give up all you have you will get a little bit of CK back. You'll never get all that you give though. 10 layouts, 6 of them geared specifically towards meeting their new fangled marketing interview. 10 layouts that may or maynot be on a subject that would be conducive to your scrapping spirit. The first layout assignment calls for an ORIGINAL and INNOVATIVE idea to be used in your layout. Question is, how much more originality and innovation do you think is actually left? That assignment alone could take weeks of contemplation and exectution, simply because you have to figure out something that is not only cool, funky and hip, but it also has to be an orginal. Sorry guys, this keg is tapped... and as far as original ideas... I'm pretty much fresh out of them.

Why do they need to see our craft spaces?
There is a lot of hub bub going on about this one. Its one of the 3 layouts options that you can choose from, some of the other option sare so daunting that showing off you creative hidy hole is a real reality. The add states that they want to see how your creative flair has spilled over into you scrap space. Well, what if I keep my flair contained and use it on my layouts? Yeah, I could spend tons on pretty things to put my scrap stash in and fancy work spaces to create my layouts...but I don't. I can't afford the snazzy IKEA furniture and I don't have a lot of wall space to put up the obligatory CREATE INSPIRE DREAM plaques. I'm lucky the darned room has wallpaper. So does this assignment serve to further determine if the submitter is cabable of projecting the sophisticated scrap persona? I'm sure that they'd rather have their HOF's in lovely state of the art rooms equipped with all of the storage devices and works spaces that their mag sponsors provide. I'm almost equally sure that they don't want to see my 100 bolts of fabric and the kitty condo that sits in the middle of my floor. My scraproom doesn't tie in well with my layouts. My scraproom doesn't tell you what type of scrapper I am. No, my scraproom tells you that I have too much stuff and not enough nooks and crannys to put them in. It tells you that I'm a no nonsense, everything at arms reach and at the ready scrapper. It tells you that I am about saving all of my scrap budget for scrapbooking. Do I think that my $20 auction win desk/hutch, battered drafting table and $15 auction win rolling file cabinets will be what they are looking for? Only if they are looking for someone to set the next bohemian minimalist trend. Only if they are looking for someone who doesn't believe that you have to look stylish while you create.

Should I spend the time and energy to enter?
The call has just went out. The deadline is February 10th. Good Googly Moogly that's a long time... and you can bet your pickled petunias it's there for a reason! Yeah, 4 of the layouts that you can submit are what you would consider your personal bests that give an idea of what you are as a scrapper on her own turf, but the other 6 are engineered for their interview process.
They want you to complete a layout and to pore over it and to ball it up and toss it away just to start over again. They want you blood, sweat, tears, frustrations, and uncertainty. They want to rake a fine tooth comb through the entire scrap universe and dig out all of the brave talent there is. The want to allow for some to make a name for themselves and to prove their prowess at getting magazines to grovel for their submissions. I don't need 4.5 months to complete 6 layouts. I don't need 4.5 months to many things at all (except to complete Jenn's circle journal, but I think that makes us even). All I know is that it's a lot of work and after pouring yourself into your layouts for that period of time, there is no way that you can avoid the inevitibly crushing blow when they aren't picked up. I don't need that (and my Mojo has been watching me with increased interest to make sure that I remember that I don't need that). As much as I would love to have my work admired by the masses and to reap the benefits of prestige, that prestige carries to large of a price tag.

Don't get me wrong. I am only say that the HOF competition is not for me. If any of my near and dears decides to go for it, I will don the skirt and grab the pom poms with reckless certainty! I want to cheer my friends and acquaintences on and I want them to break the impenetrable CK barrier if they can! I'd love to have one of my friends be a HOF, but not for the reasons that many would think. I think that many of them belong there anyway and if they were to pick up a HOF, well, all I could say is "it's about damned time", because I knew they were worthy of it from day one!

OMG! I'm back! I'm back! I'm back!

I've rediscovered my love of scrapbooking and I'm bursting at the seams with excitement! I know it's been a while since I've posted anything, and I will totally go back and fill in the empty spots with some back logged postings, but I was in a precarious situation that required a bit of
eggshell walking.

You see, I felt the nigglings of my mojo and for fear of scaring it away, I just ignored it; allowing it to sidle up closer to me, day by day. I didn't blog about it..heck, I didn't blog about anything at all for fear something would slip out and alert my mojo to the fact that I was still looking for it. So I stayed silent and then I rediscovered my Xara software.

Xara rocks! It's a 3D animation program that lets me make blinkies. So I started making blinkies for some of the ladies at Scrapbooking Supply Store.This is where it got tricky. I made their blinkies from mini layouts that I pieced together using .jpg images of different manufacturer's papers. So I was doing little digi scrapping but my mojo thought I was making stupid blinkies! Aren't I clever?

Anyway, when I got better at making them, I extended my reach back to Scrapitude (only the best for my girls... and all of that) where I honed my abilities. Last week, I sat down at my desk to do some blinkies and I felt my mojo siddle up next to me. In a flash I grabbed that slippery snot and wrestled with it until it agreed to come back home! I immediately grabbed the layout that had been sitting on my desk (still in the beginning stages) and tore into it! The end result?

This layout of Jenn that I absolutely adore!
I started it in June and stopped after my head got broken.

After 2 months of whining and crying about scrapbooking, of course my first layout would be in homage of one of the ladies that helped me find my way to the end of my tunnel!

So there she is... and I don't care what she says, she's friggin gorgeous... and a dorkfish to boot!


Anyway, so me and my mojo were in talks after that. There was a lot of things to hash out and she was pretty darned ademant about her demands in return for her return.

• 1. No submissions. I promised not to submit for anything, contest, design teams, mags, nothing. I would just scrap for myself and my family.
• 2. There would be no uploading of anything that took more than a day to complete. If my focus wasn't completely pure and free of the desire to please others, I wouln't share it.
• 3. I can't shop for new stuff until I've gone through and used all of my unused stuff at least once!
• 4. No goals. No deadlines (there is an exception to this... I'll explain in another entry). No quests for approval. No trolling for comments.
• 5. If after sitting at my desk for 30minute, I don't feel like scrapping, then I walk away or do something else! No more forcing myself to do something when I don't feel like it! If the inspiration isn't there, or if my mojo is taking a nap, I need to respect that and wait for her to wake up!

So those are the terms that I've agreed to. And you know what? I love them! I feel free! My mojo and I have been cuddles up and enjoying each other's company ever since! I know that I've made the right choice for me and my 2 newest layouts are proof of that!

Here is one that I completed on Friday... and it took... get this 3 hours ( I was watching my daughter and the kittens while trying to piece together the photos for the effect I wanted to achieve). It's the result of an Ad challenge that I've been wanting to do for a while now:

First Halloween

I have been holding on to these pictures for 2 years! I'm pathetic aren't I? I was afraid to mess them up... but not anymore! They are MY pictures... and as long as I worked from my heart, I couldn't mess them up!

I love this layout and I can't wait to do more with the tons of other pictures that I've been saving for a special page!

THEN, last night, amidst a lot of chaos, I found a sketch online (thank you Lenise) that I liked and I came up with this one:

SWING

I took these pictures of Jo during a playground trip and I just love them. I love her smile and her love of life (even if she is grouchy like her momma).

I even doodled a bit on the darned thing! I love this layout just as much as the others and I didn't once ask myself whether I was using things that were outdated or if such and such would like it.
I didn't care and I love the feeling of that freedom!

I tell you what! I can't see what, if anything I will produce tonight!

Am I back 100% I don't know, but I do know that I'm excited! I'm also grateful to all of the women who helped me and encouraged me to take my time. The amount of thanks that I owe to Kimmy (the ultimate big sister) is unfathomable! This woman allowed me to step back and relocate myself ('cause if you're lost, how the hell can your mojo find you if you can't find you?) and well, I just love that woman to pieces!! I am so blessed to be in the company of these women and my one wish for every scrapbooker in the world (except the ones I don't like, hee hee!) is that the all have the opportunity to have a Kimmy, a Jenn, A Carol (with and without the "e"), a Maddy, a Jaks, a Sally, a Becs, a Jaine, a Jane, and an army of countless 'Tudes in their corner cheering them on (but they can't have mine and I WILL kick any ass that tries to infringe on my support squad! consider yourself warned!). I love you guys!

Here's to friends...

I was reading some of my entries from the past weeks and all I could think was "what the heck was I talking about?". I was in a mood... that's all I can say... the people who get me can comprehend. The whole metaphysical ascension bit freaked me out... I think I need to make sure that I'm not partaking in recreational drug use while I sleep blog.

I am thinking about friendship today. I am so blessed to have wonderful friends that I've met during my time online. Ours is a relationship is not based on the need to please one another, it's purely built on the desire to support and uplift each other. I have to thank all of the women who have been so supportive of me during my trials. I don't think that I would've been able to come this far without their support. Kimmy, Jenn, Sally, Jaks, Maddie, Becks, Dawn, Jane and anyone that I've missed... thank you! I wish I could put into words how much the constant cheering has done for not only my ego, but my sense of self worth. I think I can safely say that I don't need the acceptance of the scrapbooking industry as long as I have the support of the people who care about me. The industry is a finicky, unfeeling machine that is driven by success. Its love for an artist is only as deep as the amount of revenue he/she can toss into their coffers. Friends however will stand by you even when your layout makes their eyes bleed and pat you on the back.

The sad thing is that my focus was so skewed that I didn't even realize that there were so many people who cared about my well being. It wasn't drive. It wasn't determination. It was the oppressed teen in me still striving for the love of those incapable of such a thing. I no longer harbor the bitterness and disdain for those who are in love with the glory and trapse on the fingers of the "little ones" trying to get a little sunshine themselves. Some people need the conditional love and acceptance of the industry to validate themselves. I don't want that anymore, I would take real, living, breathing friends who are willing to be supportive, no matter how sorry I feel for myself. When I look at the way the industry treats the previous "greats" and how much women have to sacrifice to stay in it's golden favour, I can only shake my head.

There is no red carpet, there is not gold-dipped statues, hell, there aren't even ball gowns! I'll take my friends, I'll take my sisters, I'll take my online family. I may never get to meet them but I will never forget how many times I've come close to drowning in my quest for self worth only to have one of them toss me life line AND smack some sense back into my head at the same time.

The industry won't last forever. Nothing does. This craft, this hobby, that will always be around for as long as memories can be treasured. Friends, well, true friendship stands all tests of time and I'm more of a tried and true. I'm sending out the biggest hugs possible to all of the ladies who have once again come to my rescue and saw me through my trials. I'm not completely out of the woods yet, but thanks to you ladies, I know exactly how to get back where I'm supposed to be.

I scrapped! ... well ... kinda ...

Yesterday was such an emotionally draining day. I still can't believe that I poured all of that out in my entry about my dad! I'm not usually big on putting my heart out in such a revealing manner but yesterday it was spill or explode. I was not in the mood to explode; there is nobody nearby to help pick up the pieces afterwards.

It felt so good to just get it out. It's no longer internalized. I love and hate my dad and I have forgiveness issues. I'm an emotionally terrified parent. My truths. Bare, naked and right there for all of the world to see. I feel a weight has been lifted. I no longer need to carry the weight of the reality of who I am. I can always come back here to remind myself should I forget. The important thing is that I don't have to hide that from myself and my friends. I haven't quite gotten around to the big reveal to the family yet... baby steps... I've mentioned them before haven't I?

Anyway, so yesterday I got home and just plopped on the couch. I got the beautiful layout that Kimmy did of Jo's first pool party as I was coming into the house, so Jo and I just studied that and oohed and aahhed a bit. It was then that I started thinking about scrapping projects. Listen, this is a good thing because a project hasn't popped in my head since the oar plaque I made for my FIL back in June. Anyway, I had my dinner and listened to the voices in my head telling me exactly what I needed to do. My voices are so darned creative... if they were corporeal I would suggest they take up scrapbooking. As it stands they are in "voice" form so they have little choice but to serve as my muse.

Tristan and I watched Serenity ... again! Quick bit: If you haven't seen the Firefly series, you have to. Serenity did so well in the European theatres, all should see it. I'll have to blog about it one day... maybe I'll give a boring play by play. Tristan thinks I should do a scrapbook page, but I've said it before... and now I'm saying it again... the boy ain't quite right. After Serenity I went upstairs to get Jo ready for bed. I'm going to skip the part where I found 15 black ants in my master bathroom... I'm definitely going to avoid telling you more than the fact that they were all at least 1mm in length! They are coming in from somewhere and I don't know where... time to call someone. I associate ants with being less than clean. I don't eat in my bathroom, so I am forced to concede that I have a problem with some pretty stupid ants who are trying to hold a convention I my otherwise clean bathroom because it's so much cooler in there. I'm reachin'.

Anyway, I finally get midget to bed and plop down in my scraproom. I flip on the TV and check my auctions really quick. I replied to a few emails and formulated another sponsor letter. Then it hit me. I remember exactly how it happened. I pulled down the box for my Secret Sista Swap on Scrapitude and I was trying to gussy it up a bit. I was trying to think of more stuff that I could toss in without seeming over the top and it hit me. I suddenly knew exactly how to "present" the package to my Sista. About 5 minutes later (I had to clear my desk believe it or not, I can't keep a clean desk even when I'm not using it) I had all of my old buddies (my herma dots, my xacto knife, paints, chatterbox ect.) surrounding me and there were scraps of paper everywhere. I went none stop for 3 hours. Sad to say, I'm not any faster at altering than I was when I first took my break. I wrapped up the evening by making my own epoxy pog with some chipboard, paint, and a generous helping of the Ranger Glossy Accents (equivalent to Gloo). I love that pog incidentally.

SOOOO, last night I scrapped/altered AND I taught myself something new! I don't know why last night was any different from the past 40 nights, but I think that spilling about my dad might've helped a bit. I'm just so glad that I am on my way back. I can feel my mind just filling up with ideas, and I can't wait to try them out! I also can't wait to ship off my secret sista's stuff!
As much as I'd like to keep the 1st item I create after this hiatus, I know that many more are coming, it's an honor for me to give it away. Besides, I have so many other things to catch up on.
For the first time in a long time, I can't wait to get into my scrap room tonight!

Off to pinch myself some more!

I'm scared...

Ich werde gesorgt und erschrocken sehr.

My father is now in the hospital recovering from hip replacement surgery. Well, he is trying to recover. This has been a very stressful weekend for me. His kidney's threatened to shut down once so far and he is still battling a fever. So far no infection, so I guess it's just his body doing it's thing. A part of my scared and worried yet another part of me is detatched and indifferent.

This is hard for me to think about. I feel like my relationship with my dad is still new and to be facing losing him is pretty damned hard to deal with. I'm 36. I've been getting to know my dad for about 10 years now. I had him wrapped and tangled up in my little fingers right up until I turned 10. That was when his much coveted son was born. In a span of a month I went from being daddy's little tomgirl that he took everywhere with pride to being the rejected and dejected child who was suddenly never good enough.

It's no secret that my Dad didn't know how to love his children; he didn't learn how to until my sister and I both left home. I ran away from my father by joining the Navy (the only person that could wrench me out from under his thumb was Uncle Sam and he did so effortlessly). I remember telling my dad that I requested to be stationed in the UK to get away from him. I remember spending 15 months in Iceland without him crossing my mind at all. I remember the day that I walked into the recruiting station and tested to join the Marines; it was the day after he (my dad) told me that I wasn't an adult until he told me I was one. I was 20. I remember crying until I thought my heart would break when I found out that I'd been tricked into coming to the Continental United States and that I wouldn't be returning to Hawaii to attend the University of Hawaii. Why? Because the scholarship money that I busted my butt to earn and all of the arrangements that had been set up for my independent stay in Hawaii meant nothing to my dad. He wanted me where he could see me.
I remember him refusing to fork out the $500 parental portion of the financing needed for my admittance to UNC Chapel Hill because he wanted me to school in the same Virginia town that we had moved to... therefore ensuring that I would be home every night for dinner. I remember cleaning out the hall linen closet when I was 16 and discovering that my Dad neither honored nor cherished my mother. Can you imagine a 16 year old discovering pictures of nude women tucked in a photo album? Can you imagine what would go through her head when one of those pinup girls materialized right before her eyes while she was taking out the trash at work? Can you fathom what it felt like to have this stunningly beautiful (and equally annoying) woman tell me how my mom couldn't make my dad happy and that he was going to leave her (because she was overweight) and that me and my siblings would come and live with her? Can you imagine your father telling you that you will never amount to anything and that you'll be pregnant before you were 17 years old? Do you blame me for running away?

It took 6 years after I left home for me to want to talk to my dad. It took the start of my married life and the birth of his then only grandchild to get my dad to open his eyes and see all of the damage that he'd inflicted on someone who only wanted his love. I'm still working on forgiving him for all of the pain that he has caused and for all of the destructive behaviors that he has encouraged. He's trying to make up for all of the pain and hurt in his own way, but it is ultimately up to me to be able to forgive. I'm not there yet. Now I feel like I need to be there now. But do I?

My mom is still sitting by his side, nursing her pain with a salve of her faith. GOD is the only thing that helped her through those times. But she didn't walk away from it unscathed, she has lots of scar tissue. She was a loving mother who was afraid to love her kids. She rarely said that she loved us, though I know that she did. She was sometimes very harsh and so very hard to love; kind of like snuggling with a porcupine; but when you got through her defenses... well those were the times I remember. My mom sees herself in me. I see my mom in myself and I don't like what I see. I have such a hard time opening up and allowing myself to be vulnerable. I do for myself and I don't like to lean on people. I still haven't told Shayne that my dad is in the hospital.
It's just that bad. My mother held us kids at a distance as if she couldn't bear to give her heart and all to another fallible human being. I am afraid to admit that my heart breaks when I think of how much my kids mean to me. To utter their value could bring about circumstances that would rob me of the gifts I've been given. Instead, I watch them sleep and I kiss their sleepy heads. Sometimes I hug them a little too tight and sometimes I just break down and cry because I am so afraid of anything happening to them. I would be utterly destroyed. I don't want to live like this though. I want to love my children with reckless abandon, not fearful secrecy. I don't want to live in fear of losing what I love, not if it means that one day they will sit questioning whether I loved them. All of this can be traced back to the man laying in a hospital bed 500 miles away from me.

I know that I don't need to somehow get through all of this and heal before he departs this earth. I know that I can continue to heal once he is gone. I guess that I just want him to see and to know what his choices have meant to the people who love him. I guess I just want him to see that I was able to free myself form the shelf that he sat his family on and that I did things the right way. I don't think it'll matter much...not to him... but it will mean a hell of a lot to me.

I'm so blessed that Shayne is in love with his children. He may have twisted priorities, but I know that when it counts his heart is in the right place (and when it's not, I know exactly which button to push to get it there). I often wonder if things would've been different had my mom not had me (I am the product of a relationship that my mom had with another man while my dad (her then boyfriend) gallivanted around the Army world, whoring without a care for the girl he left behind until he came back and found that she'd moved on). I think that things would've been better if my dad had been granted a son first.

Honestly? I don't know. Maybe. It doesn't matter now. What was, was. What is, is. What will be, will be. Right now I'm just a little scared of what I will learn about myself if my dad dies.